February 27, 2013

Demolition Derby

M.O.M. (on the couch, reading)

Sippy Cup (playing with his sister's Lego Duplo blocks while sitting in front of the couch): "This tower is going to be awesome! It's going to be huge!"

Me (sitting at the dining room table, working on the computer): "That's awesome buddy."

Princess Teacup (quietly playing with her own pile of blocks)

Sippy Cup (finished with his massive construction): "Look Mom!  Look at the tower!  It's huge!"

Princess Teacup (stands up and, with several quick kicks, promptly demolishes the tower before the M.O.M. has a chance to view its architectural glory)

Sippy Cup (dismayed): "Hey! Aw man! Mom! Look at what she did!"

M.O.M. (putting her book down): "Hey!  That's not nice!  You don't do that!  You have to play nice with your brother!"

Princess Teacup (looking at the M.O.M. and tap dancing on the Duplo demolition site)

M.O.M.: "Do you want to go and sit on timeout?"

Princess Teacup (nodding): "Yesh."

M.O.M. (turning to me in awe): "What are we going to do with this one?  She took the power away from the timeout threat!"

Me (without looking up): "Two words: Cesar. Millan."

February 26, 2013


Me (in the kitchen, putting away the groceries)

Princess Teacup (walks in, smiling): "Daaee!"

Me: "Uh-oh.  What do you want baby?"

Princess Teacup (points to refrigerator): "I want."

Me (hesitant): "These kitchen encounters of ours never end well."

Princess Teacup (tugging on the refrigerator door with all of her might): "Daaeee! Please! I want!"

Me (caving and opening the door): "Ok.  But please be specific."

Princess Teacup (grabs the jar of gherkins): "Peeckle!"

Me (dubious): "Seriously?  You want pickles?"

Princess Teacup (handing me the jar): "Please Daaeee!  I want!  I want peeckle!"

Me (opening the jar and taking out one small gherkin): "Ok.  But I don't know your specific preparation instructions for pickles so I'm scared."

Princess Teacup (holding out both of her hands, palms up): "Pleeeease Daaeee!  Please?"

Me (handing her one): "Ok, ok!  Here you go."

Princess Teacup (grabbing the pickle and taking a massive bite): "Thank you Daaeee! Thank you much!"

Me (bracing myself): "You're welcome?"

Princess Teacup (blows me a loud kiss): "Ok. Bye Daaeee!"

February 21, 2013

Scaredy Cats (a.k.a. Pillow Talk 1)

Me (laying in bed): "Ugh, I'm exhausted.  And it's only Tuesday."

M.O.M. (fluffing up her pillows): "Don't remind me. Can you turn off the light please?"

Me (leaning over to kiss her on the forehead): "Sure thing. Goodnight."

M.O.M.: "Goodnight."

- A strange, indescribable noise suddenly comes from the kids room - 

Me: "Fantastic. Was it her?  Did she wake up?"

M.O.M.: "Probably.  Either that or there's a cat in the house."

Me (suddenly nervous): "Why would you say that when you know I have to go out there and check on her?"

M.O.M. (sitting up and laughing): "Why?  Are you afraid of cats?"

Me (sitting up and swinging my legs off of the bed): "No. But remember that little ghost boy in The Grudge?  The one that meowed?"

M.O.M. (hitting me in the back): "Why?! Why?! Why would you say that?!"

Me: "You said it sounded like a cat!"

M.O.M.(muffled because she is now covering her head with the blankets): "Exactly! A cat!  A fat and fluffy and innocent cat!"

Princess Teacup (from the bedroom): "Raaaawwwwrrrr!"

February 20, 2013

Miniature Heathens

Princess Teacup (running after her brother down the hall): "Aaargh!  Raawr!  Monster!  Aaargh!"

Sippy Cup (running away from his sister): "AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH!"

M.O.M. (laying on the couch, Kindle in her lap, rubbing her temples)

Princess Teacup (chasing her brother around the couch): "Aaargh!  Raawr!  Monster!  Aaargh!"

Sippy Cup (running away from his sister): "AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH!"

M.O.M. (sitting up and shouting): "Would you two heathens play nicely and quietly for just, like, 5 minutes? Please?"

Sippy Cup (coming to a halt in front of the M.O.M. and placing his fists on his hips): 
"Hey! I'm not a 'heathen'! I'm a 'people'!"

Me (from the dining room table): "Ha! He gets 10 points for that one!"

February 19, 2013

2013 Book Fair

Me: "Dude!  How was the book fair?"

Sippy Cup (holding up his new books): "It was awesome!"

M.O.M.: "Did anyone else from your class go to the fair?"

Sippy Cup (shaking his head): "Nope.  I was the only one that had money."

Me: "Aww.  That's kind of sad."

Sippy Cup: "One of my friends saw all of my books and asked to borrow them."

Me: "And what did you say?"

Sippy Cup: "I said 'Uh, no.  Buy your own money and get your own books son.'"

Me (sighing): "Fantastic."

February 15, 2013

Late Night Cookie

Princess Teacup (pointing at the cupboard): "I want cookie."

Sippy Cup: "Me too!"

Me (taking down a large Oatmeal Raisin cookie and splitting it in half): "It's getting kind of late, so you'll each get a half.  And this counts as your bedtime snack."

Sippy Cup (taking his half): "Awesome.  Thanks!"

Princess Teacup (looking at her half): "No!"

Me: "Excuse me?  You're old enough to learn about sharing. And about late-night portion control."

Princess Teacup (looking up at me): "No! Daaee! NO!"

Me: "Well, your Mom isn't here to convince me otherwise.  So, either you take this half, or you get nothing at all."

Princess Teacup (lowering her head, looking at me menacingly and whispering): "Daaee. No."

Sippy Cup (leaving the kitchen): "Uh-oh.  You made her angry."

Princess Teacup (glowering at me in silence)

Me (instinctively puffing my chest and crossing my arms): "I'm not afraid of you."

Princess Teacup (walks away quietly)

Me (calling after her): "I told you so!"

Sippy Cup (shouting from the living room): "Hey!  Give me my cookie back!"

February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day Compassion

Me (inspecting the outside of his lunch bag): "Dude, what did you do to your lunch bag?"

Sippy Cup: "That wasn't me!  Two of my friends in school smashed it over a banana during lunch!"

Me: "What?  Why?" 

Sippy Cup: "It's ok.  We were just fooling around."

Me: "Actually that isn't ok at all.  Your so-called 'friends' should learn to respect other people's property."

Sippy Cup (ignoring me and packing his book bag): "I'm excited about handing out my Valentine's Day cards in class tomorrow."

Me: "Well maybe these two 'friends' of yours shouldn't get a Valentine from you."

Sippy Cup: "Why not?  That's not nice!"

Me: "They smashed your lunch bag over a banana!"

Sippy Cup: "So what?  They're my friends.  And it's just a lunch bag.  If they don't get a Valentine from me?   But everyone else does?  That's just mean.  Then they'll be sad.  They might cry."

Me (taking a deep breath and reminding myself that I'm an adult): "You, sir, are a better man than I am.  And that's a good thing."

February 13, 2013

Kitchen Pirate

Me (washing the dishes and shouting from the kitchen): "I don't care!  I'm wearing a tuxedo to the playground!"

Princess Teacup (walks into the kitchen)

Me (looking down momentarily): "Why hello there pretty lady!"

Princess Teacup (ignores my hello and opens the kitchen cabinet)

Me (watching her out of the corner of my eye): "I can see you.  Please don't make a mess."

Princess Teacup (giggles and then makes a rude noise with her mouth)

Me: "Lovely.  I'm glad I'm raising a prim and proper lady-baby."

Princess Teacup (rummages, head-first, through the cabinet)

Me: "Please stop that."

Princess Teacup (emerges from the cabinet with a turkey baster in one hand and 
a 12-inch flat, metal spatula in the other)

Me: "Uhm.  What are you doing?"

Princess Teacup (smiling): "Pirate."

Me: "Uhm.  I'm suddenly nervous.  And I'm the adult here so something isn't right with this picture."

Princess Teacup (running at me with both utensils): "YAAARGH!"

Me: "Ah!  What are you doing?! What's happening?!"

M.O.M. (from the living room): "She's playing pirate"

Princess Teacup (banging on my foot with the spatula): "Pirate! Yaaah! Arrgh! Yaaah!"

February 12, 2013

Suits and Ties

Me (watching an online video of Justin Timberlake's 2013 Grammy performance):
"Wow.  He's actually singing live and the dancing is amazing. From now on, I'm wearing a tuxedo all of the time. To the playground.  To the supermarket.  To the hardware store.  Everywhere."

M.O.M. (prepping dinner in the kitchen): "He's amazing.  I love him.  I don't understand how he's with Jessica Biel.  She is the living embodiment of 'Blah'."

Me (treading carefully): "Uhm, that's extreme.  She's pretty."

M.O.M. (walking out of the kitchen): "She isn't on his level.  He needed to marry someone to complement him.  Look at
Jay-Z and Beyonce.  They complement one another."

Me (thinking before I speak): "So, then, who is on his level?"

M.O.M.: "My coworkers and I had this discussion today.  And we haven't really figured it out yet.  Obviously, the most immediate answer is me."

Me (not thinking before I speak):
"Lovely.  So if this conversation were to be reversed and I were to say that Jessica Biel and I-"

M.O.M.: "I would punch you. In the throat."

Me (feeling brave [read: stupid]): "Do you understand what double-standards are?"

M.O.M. (pointing to my throat): "In. The. Throat."

February 11, 2013

Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot.

Sippy Cup (jumping onto my lap): "Hey Dad, let's play 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'!"

Me: "Awesome.  I didn't even know you had learned this game."

Sippy Cup: "Yeah, we play it in school."

Me (sitting up on the couch): "Then let's do this!"

Round 1

Sippy Cup: Scissor

Me: Rock

Round 2

Sippy Cup: Rock

Me: Paper

Round 3

Sippy Cup: Paper

Me: Scissor

Sippy Cup (mischievously): "I bet you think you're pretty good at this game."

Me (brimming with confidence): "Why, yes, yes I do."

Sippy Cup: "One more round."

Me: "Ok. Rock, paper, scissor, saaaaaay....shoot!"

Me: Scissor

Sippy Cup: finger gun

Me: "What the hell is that?!  Did you just draw a gun on me?"

Sippy Cup: "Yep. I win.  Nothing beats that."

Me: "Since when is that a part of the game?"

Sippy Cup: "It's 'Rock, Paper, Scissor, Shoot'.  It's in the name.  Oh.  One more thing.  Burn."

February 8, 2013

A Letter to Future Sippy Cup (21)

Hey kid,

Two summers ago, while running around in a park, you fell and scraped your knee.

It is a fact that knee scrapes are a part of everyone's childhood.  But this one was more painful than most and you started to cry.

Realizing that the best medicine for pain is often simple distraction, I picked you up and sat down with you on a bench that faced a lake.

I promised you that I could make the knee scrape stop hurting.  But first you had to calm down and pay attention.  I told you that I knew of an easy magic spell that we could do together to make your knee feel better.

You looked at me with equal parts doubt and curiosity and sniffled as I picked up a small, smooth stone and made it skip over the water.  I then handed you a stone and invited you to do the same.  I promised you that by the time you made the stone skip over the water, your knee would feel better.

You didn't learn to skip stones that day.

But you forgot about your knee scrape.

And we both learned a magic spell.


February 5, 2013

Growing Up Means (3)

Hey little dude,

For some people, growing up means that you end up finding it easier to be cynical.

But call it being "practical".

For some people, growing up means that you go to sleep at a reasonable hour and get some rest.

But you won't dream the same dreams anymore.

However, for another group of people, growing up means something completely different.

Watch this video and follow the advice of Alan Watts.

Because, for you, I sincerely hope that growing up means you get to live the life YOU want to live.

February 4, 2013

Hot Potato Peppers

M.O.M. (opening the oven door to check on the roasting red peppers): "Just a few more minutes and they should be done."

Sippy Cups: "What are you making?"

M.O.M.: "Roasted red peppers, Italian sausage and whole wheat pasta."

Sippy Cups: "Hmm. Roasted red peppers: when they're hot, they're cold; when they're cold, they're hot.  That's what happens to hot potatoes.  That doesn't make any sense."

M.O.M. (staring at him in disbelief): "I...I don't even know what to say."

Sippy Cups (smiling): "Yeah.  Me neither."

February 1, 2013

Cracker Pretzels

Princess Teacup (walking into the kitchen): "Mommy! I want cracker!"

M.O.M. (opens the tin and hands her a cracker): "Here you go my love."

Princess Teacup (cringing away from the offered cracker): "No! No! Noooooo!"

M.O.M. (putting the cracker back inside the time): "Uhm. Ok."

Princess Teacup (pointing): "I want pretzel!"

M.O.M. (handing her a pretzel stick): "Here you go baby."

Princess Teacup 
(taking 15 seconds to slowly close her fingers around the pretzel and then pointing at the cracker tin with the pretzel):
"I want cracker!"

M.O.M. (looking from the tin to Teacup): "Wait...what?  You want a cracker?"

Princess Teacup (running away): "Haha!"

Me (silently nodding in approval)