Shoes

Me (sitting on the couch, carefully tying my shoes): "So my friend Becca read Mindy Kaling's new book and there's an essay about why men put on their shoes so slowly."

M.O.M. (sitting next to me and flipping through the cable channels): "Uh-huh."

Me: "It made me realize that I do put on my shoes slowly.  Like, I have to sit down first and everything."

M.O.M.: "Hmm. That is true."

Me: "Well, it's not really fair.  Men's shoes are heavier.  It's not like we can just grab a pair of sling back pumps and
step right into them while still standing up."

M.O.M.: "I guess.  Do you remember how hard it was for me to put on my shoes when I was pregnant with the kids?
Even ballerina flats were a pain."

Me (sitting up and smiling): "A-ha!  See!  I do know what it's like to be pregnant!"

M.O.M.: "Please.  Please just stop.  Just stop yourself before this goes any further."

Me (slouching lower on the couch, pretending to be pregnant): "Oh look at me and my belly!  Look at my fat belly!
It has a baby inside it!  I can't put on my shoes becau-"

M.O.M. (inches away from my face): "One more word.  Just one.  And I will punch you in the face."