July 25, 2013

My 5 New Jobs Since I Became a Dad

When you become a father, you have a vague understanding of the responsibilities that lay ahead of you: diaper changing, late-night feedings, anything and everything your wife tells you to do since (admittedly) she worked a lot harder throughout the pregnancy, etc.

What I was not prepared for, however, were the additional responsibilities that you unexpectedly inherit once you become a Dad.  However, while you may not be prepared for these new roles that you assume as a Dad, you eventually learn how to get them done (or you learn how to find the YouTube videos which will teach you the proper way to get them done).

With that in mind, here is my list of the 5 new jobs I've inherited since I became a Dad.

1. Exterminator - I'm not a fan of bugs. Never have been, never will be. Do you know those little boys that like to dig up worms and catch fireflies and start fires?  I was not one of those little boys. Do you want to know who cares about my serious aversion to insects? Not a single individual in my household. Whenever there is the slightest hint of the presence of any insect (i.e. a ladybug, a mosquito, a lazer-powered water bug, etc.), it is expected that I will hunt down said beast and slay it whilst armed with one broom handle and two house slippers. One time, after a particularly rainy evening, I awoke to find a water bug in the hallway. I already knew what was expected of me and calmly told my wife to keep the kids in the room. She locked the door and I went to war. 12 minutes later, I emerged victorious. I may have knocked over a few photo frames onto my head (my memory, for some reason, is a bit hazy) but the fact remains that I accomplished my task. Was it a task I was prepared for? No. But someone had to do it.

2. Ghost Hunter - Sometimes, late at night, my children will hear a strange sound coming from the living room. At this point, it is expected that I will get up to investigate. Before returning to the comfort of my bed, I must debrief them as to the exact location of the strange sound, the precise cause of the strange sound and the list of measures that I have taken to prevent the strange sound from happening again. Thankfully, I have not discovered the presence of any ghosts in my house.  What I have discovered, coincidentally, is that the M.O.M. does not find it funny when I purposely take longer than I should and try to sneak back into the room and whisper "Boo!". As it turns out, hiding and scaring your wife (a native [read: violent] New Yorker) is a terrible idea.

3. Security Specialist & Personal Bodyguard - somewhat related to #2 except that this job is assigned to me whenever we leave the house.  I have to be aware of our surroundings at all times, know the exact location of all safety exits and be mindful of any roaming lions or alligators or zombies.  In addition to this, I should be able to "...tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside. I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting up at the counter weighs two hundred fifteen pounds and knows how to handle himself. I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside and, at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking..." Or maybe that's Jason Bourne.  Either way, same difference.

4. Butler - this one is pretty obvious. My children make late night demands and I do their bidding. One time, I tried to ignore Princess Teacup's requests.  This was the same night that I learned that she had taught herself how to climb out of her crib.  This was also the night that I learned that she could move swiftly and silently in the cover of darkness and sneak up next to me. She might be Talia al Ghul but I could be wrong.

5. Handy Man & General Contractor - I'm a writer.  Almost by definition, this means "power tools" are a mystery to me similar to "muscle cars" and "rugby" and "tents". Since becoming a father, however, I have taught myself how to fix a toilet, re-wire electrical outlets, and build every single piece of IKEA furniture ever made. Even more impressive is the fact that I have managed to accomplish all of these tasks without requiring a trip to the emergency room.

Well, there you have it.  The Top 5 New Jobs I've taken on since I became a Dad.  

I'm sure this list will continue to grow. And I'll be sure to come back and update you as soon as it happens.

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