November 27, 2012

Top 10 Reasons to Never Share Your Bed with Your Children

  1. Even though the bathroom is a mere 10 feet away, peeing in the bed is always the quicker and warmer option.
  2. Small children, like birds, will wake up the instant the sun crosses the horizon.  Even on a cloudy day.
  3. Other than a professional MMA fight, there is no surer way to guarantee a swift and unexpected kick to the face.
  4. Their concept of "sharing the bed" is based, not on an equal 50/50 ratio, but on a 90/10 ratio in their favor instead.
  5. Sometimes, for no reason, they will start talking to you at 3 o'clock in the morning.
  6. Their preferred sleep position is based on Leonardo Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.
  7. While they will sweetly curl up next to their mother, they will reserve all bodily functions and fluids for your side of the bed.
  8. Small children have no respect for the concept of the "weekend".
  9. Although the sound of your child giggling is adorable during the day, it is absolutely terrifying when they giggle in the middle of the night while dreaming.
  10. Once they learn to sleep in their own bedroom, you will miss them terribly and write Top 10 lists reminiscing about the nights they slept next to you.

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