Extreme Makeover

I have grown accustomed to the daily conversations/debates that I have with Lil Sippy Cup.

I have also grown accustomed to the fact that, even at 3 years-old, he has a firm grasp of logic and how to use it to his advantage.

However, I feel it would be wrong to not show the other side of the coin, the conversations that catch me by surprise, the ones where Lil Sippy Cup isn't just being a wise-ass but is, in fact, being a sweetheart.

Me (shouting from the living room): "Little dude, you're way too quiet, what are you doing?"

Lil Sippy Cup: "Nothing!"

Me: "Yep, that means something.  Did you break anything?"

Lil Sippy Cup: "I'm taking my money out of my piggy bank!"

Me (walking into his room): "Why are you doing that?"

Lil Sippy Cup: "'Cause I want to buy something."

Me: "What do you want to buy?"

Lil Sippy Cup: "I want to buy you a house."

Me: "..."

Lil Sippy Cup: "Its going to have robots.  And the robots are going to make presents and sing songs and play games and make pasta and we can play with them all day and not do anything else."

Me: "..."

Lil Sippy Cup: "That's what I want to buy."

Me: "I love you."

Lil Sippy Cup: "I love you too Dad."

Field Report (1) : Introduction

On this site, I have avoided the temptation to give any parenting advice for various reasons.

The primary one is that this site is, first and foremost, a daily journal for my son to read when he's older, a way for him to re-live memories that he may no longer have access to within the cluttered confines of his brain.

The second reason is the fact that I am no expert on parenting myself and I will readily admit that.  I would feel rather obnoxious to sit here and pontificate on various subjects regarding discipline or what-not while, in the background, my son is busy painting his face with Dry-Erase markers.

However, it did dawn on me the other day that Lil Sippy Cup may have children of his own in the future and that he might come to me seeking professional counsel.  Along with this, I imagine that some people who visit this site may have plans to have children of their own as well and maybe a little friendly advice would not be such a bad thing to dispense.

You see, the entire "parenting industry" is a multi-billion dollar enterprise full of "experts", "experts" who prey on the fear and insecurities of new parents and seasoned parents as well.  However, the reality is that parenting is a learned skill.  It is a skill that requires patience, hard-work and a ton of practice.  The only "experts", in my opinion, are good parents.  I am more likely to listen to my grandmother's advice (who is a mother of 9) than I am to a talk-show guest.  And my grandmother is over 90 years-old and semi-senile.

All of this just serves as a background to a new set of posts which I plan to write titled "Field Reports".  They will be personal experiences that I have had with the little dude and the subsequent lessons I learned.  I will not create a "How-To" Guide for new parents because parenting is a one-to-one, one-of-a-kind experience.  Every parent is different, every child will require a new skill set and there is no universal experience when it comes to parenting.  There are, however, universal emotions: things like paralyzing fear, utter frustration and, most importantly, inexplicable and never-ending love. 

I have experienced each of these emotions in my journey to become the best man and father I can possibly be for Lil Sippy Cup.  Hopefully, you will be able to learn something along the way as well.

Apple Hootch

One night, while mindlessly flipping through the 800 cable channels that all manage to simultaneously broadcast absolutely nothing worth watching, I spent 10 minutes watching a show on the National Geographic Channel about the daily lives of prisoners in a federal penitentiary.

Since I had already made up my mind a while ago that I did not want to ever go to jail, I planned to change the channel quickly.  However, at this point, a "lifer" (n. prisoner serving a life sentence) explained to the television crew how he made a batch of "prison hootch".

I won't go into the specifics.  Suffice it to say that making "hard prison hootch" involved fermenting apples in a plastic jug for a good period of time while subsequently hiding this entire process from the correctional staff.  Also worth noting is the fact that really strong prison hootch can make you go blind.  I'm not kidding.

Why do I mention any of this?

You see, Lil Sippy Cup loves apple juice.  I'm pretty sure that at his next blood test, his pediatrician will draw sap instead of blood cells.  He drinks it out of his favorite red sippy cup (how meta, I know). 

He drinks so much of it as a matter of fact, that this afternoon when I was doing the dishes, I opened the sippy cup container and got assaulted by the sharp smell of alcohol. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Lil Sippy Cup has found a way to create his own apple hootch.

There is a good possibility that, for the past few months when I have been documenting the madness my son exhibits, the poor child has simply been inebriated. 

Hopefully, he has learned his lesson.  I know I have.  An apple a day may keep the doctor away but it may also get you wasted.

(Disclaimer: My son has never, intentionally or accidentally, created real prison hootch or drank any of it.  Nevertheless, the lessons learned remain the same: apple juice is dangerous and I still don't ever want to go to jail.)

A Letter to Future Sippy Cup (5)

Hey kid,

There is a strong possibility that, by the time you read this, we have moved on in our mutual maturing processes and have reached that stage in our relationship where our conversations revolve around sports and the weather.

Nevertheless, I want you to know that today, as I sat here typing this, you turned to me and asked "Dad, can you play with me?"

I don't know how often I will get to hear them when you are older but I still want you to know that I will cherish those six words, now and always.

Sincerely,
Dad

Master of Disguise

Lil Sippy Cup is a big fan of the costumed alter egos of his own invention.

I have mentioned "Naked Boy" who is his favorite and also the easiest to transform into since it involves no clothing whatsoever.

There is also "Cool Guy" who is the daredevil he turns into whenever he dons his bicycle helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, and sunglasses.

Today, I'd like to introduce you to "General Tool Fixer", the tough little old man responsible for fixing all broken appliances and toys in the house.